Noah 2006

My sister-in-law e-mailed me this little piece of right-wing cyber-babble today (not that she's a right-winger or anything; she thought it was funny and actually thought I'd like it -- we may need to get better aquainted):

Hi... I though you would enjoy this one!

Noah in 2006

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my
building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

I would like to take a moment to apologize to my readers (if any) for subjecting you to that. It's quite the typical right-wing "I hate government" schtick, on par with the "I'm from the government, I'm here to help" jokes, right? Well, that's how I took it. How many liberal/progressive constituencies and issues were attacked here? Lets see:

Environmentalists? Check!
Minorities? Check!
Immigrants? Check!
Trade Unions? Check!
Progressive taxation? Check!
Workplace safety? Check!

Yes, wouldn't the world be so much better without all these meddlesome protections for those folks? (sigh)

Here is my response:

Hey, I've got a better one. God told Noah to build the ark because the world is wicked. So Noah got started on his holy assignment when he was visited by agents from the FBI asking about his suspicious activities. They'd received reports from local police of a man of middle-eastern ancestry, known for his religious zealotry, acting suspiciously and in the process of building some sort of device or structure. When they inquired as to the purpose of his activities he told them earnestly, "The Lord will destroy this land, indeed all lands and everything in it because it is all wicked".

He was arrested and charged with making terroristic threats against the United States and it's allies. Then Attorney General John Ashcroft, held a large press conference hailing the arrest as a victory in the war on terror.

"Today, US law enforcement and intelligence services won a great victory in our war against global terrorism," intoned Ashcroft proudly.

"With the arrest of Noah 'The Jackal', a super-duper big terrorist evil-doer, we have disrupted a lethal international terror ring who could have killed thousands of Americans if not for the hard work of the FBI and the CIA in conjuction with the Pentagon"

A quick background check revealed that Noah was an Iraqi national (the story of Noah took place in modern day Iraq) with a record of previous involvement in end-of-the-world schemes. The White House was debriefed on his case and the decision was made to invoke extraordinary rendition against him in order to secure the homeland and facilitate "expanded interrogation parameters" in hopes of obtaining more intel on his activities, accomplices and plans. So a black bag was placed over his head and he was shipped to Abu Ghraib prison in his home country, Iraq.

As part of the Pentagon's new "the gloves come off" policy, Noah's interrogation began immediately with summary beatings about the head and neck region. He was then straped to a wooden-board and his head was dunked in water repeatedly until he honestly believed he was being drowned, causing discomfort to a level that, while painful and dangerous, did not rise to the equivalent to death or organ failure and therefore wasn't really torture under the official US government definition.

Amazingly, despite his agony, Noah still refused to attribute his activity to anyone other than the one true God. So it was decided that he should be forced to watch as his children, now over 2,000 years old, are raped with phosphorescent glow sticks.

Still refusing to change his story, he is tranferred to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba where the mistreatment continues. Since that time, Noah has been held there awaiting a military tribunal for roughly three years. Recently the Supreme Court ruled that such a military tribunal was unconstitutional. Still, in Guantanamo Bay he sits, occasionally attempting suicide in what his jailers call a "PR move".

To this day, despite multiple reports indicating the innocence of most of the "Gitmo" detainees, the White House describes him and his fellow inmates as the worst of the worst, a cold-blooded killer and, although his indefinite detention has been ruled illegal, he's still there, because in the end the President, as Commander-in-Chief and head of the Unitary Executive Branch, can do whatever the hell he wants, even if it means destroying the world before God can get to it.

So much for "small government".

UPDATE: Some friends of mine who saw this post expressed the opinion that I may need to get a sense of humor about this. They implied that I may be wearing the tin-foil hat because of my suggestion that the e-mail above was an example of covert right-wing propaganda. Well, guess what? Exactly that kind of thing is going on.

Aug. 4, 2006 — A tiny little movie making fun of Al Gore, supposedly made by an amateur filmmaker, recently appeared on the popular Web site YouTube.com.

At first blush, the spoof seemed like a scrappy little homemade film

[Snip] poking fun at Gore and his anti-global warming crusade...

But when the Wall Street Journal tried to find the guy who posted the film "Al Gore's Penguin Army" — listed on YouTube as a 29-year-old — they found the movie didn't come from an amateur working out of his basement.

The film actually came from a slick Republican public relations firm called DCI, which just happens to have oil giant Exxon as a client.

The battle for your mind is fought on all fronts.